uth。 He heard theircries； so far； so high above him–he could never rise that far。 He was like a rock； a dead man’sbody； a dying bird； fallen from an awful height； something that had no power of itself； any more；to turn。
And something moved in John’s body which was not John。 He was invaded； set at naught；possessed。 This power had struck John； in the head or in the heart； and； in a moment； wholly；filling him with an anguish that he could never in his life have imagined； that he surely could notendure； that even now he could not believe； had opened him up； had cracked him open； as woodbeneath the axe cracks down the middle； as rocks break up； had ripped him and felled him in amoment； so that John had not felt the wound； but only the agony； had not felt the fall； but only thefear； and lay here； now； helpless； screaming； at the very bottom of darkness。
He wanted to rise—a malicious； ironic voice insisted that he rise—and； at once； to leave histemple and go out into the world。
He wanted to obey the voice； which was the only voice that spoke to him； he tried to assurethe voice that he would do his best to rise； he would only lie here a moment； after his dreadful fall；and catch his breath。 It was at this moment； precisely； that he found he could not rise； something had happened to his arms； his legs； his feet—ah； something had happened to John！ and he began toscream again in his great； bewildered terror； and felt himself； indeed； begin to move—not upward；toward the light； but down again； a sickness in his bowels； a tightening in his loin…strings； he felthimself turning； again and again； across the dusty floor； as though God’s toe had touched himlightly。 And the dust made him cough and retch； in his turning the centre of the whole earthshifted； making of space a sheer void and a mockery of order； and balance； and time。 Nothingremained： all was swallowed up in chaos。 And： Is this it？ John’s terrified soul inquired—What isit？—to no purpose； receiving no answer。 Only the ironic voice insisted yet once more that he risefrom the filthy floor if he did not want to bee like all the other niggers。
Then he anguish subsided for a moment； as water withdraws briefly to dash itself oncemore against the rocks： he knew that it subsided only to return。 And he coughed and sobbed in thedusty space before the altar； lying on his face。 And still he was going down； farther and fartherfrom the joy； the singing； and the light above him。
He tried； but in such despair！—the utter darkness does not present any point of departure；contains no beginning； and no end—to rediscover； and； as it were； to trap and hold tightly in thepalm of his hand； the moment preceding his fall； his change。 But that moment was also locked indarkness； was wordless； and should not e forth。 He remembered only the cross： he had turnedagain to kneel at the altar； and had faced the golden cross。 And the Holy Ghost was speaking—seeming to say； as John spelled out the so abruptly present and gigantic legend adorning the cross：
Jesus Saves。 He had stared to this； an awful bitterness in his heart； wanting to curse—and the Spiritspoke； and spoke in him。 Yes： there was Elisha； speaking from the floor； and his father； silent； athis back。 In his heart there was a sudden yearning tenderness for holy Elisha； desire； sharp andawful as a reflecting knife； to usurp the body of Elisha； and lie where Elisha lay； to speak intongues； as Elisha spoke； and； with that authority； to confound his father。 Yet this had not been themoment； it was as far back as he could go； but the secret； the turning； the abysmal drop was fartherback； in darkness。 As he cursed his father； as he loved Elisha； he had； even then； been weeping； hehad already passed his moment； was already under the power； had been struck； and was goingdownAh； down！—and to what purpose； where？ To the bottom of the sea； the bowels of the earth；to the heart of the fiery furnace？ Into a dungeon deeper than Hell； into a madness louder than thegrave？ What trumpet sound would awaken him； what hand would lift him up？ For he knew； as hewas struck again； and screamed again； his throat like burning ashes； and as he turned again； hisbody hanging from him like a useless weight； a heavy； rotting carcass； that if he were not lifted hewould never rise。
His father； his mother； his aunt； Elisha—all were far above him； waiting； watching historment in the pit。 They hung over the golden barrier； singing behind them； light around theirheads； weeping； perhaps； for John； struck down so early。 And； no； they could not help him anymore—nothing could help him any more。 He struggled； struggle to rise up； and meet them—hewanted wings to fly upward and meet them in that morning； that morning where they were。 But hisstruggles only thrust him downward； his cries did not go upward； but rang in his own skull。
Yet； though he scarcely saw their faces； he knew that they were there。 He felt them move；every movement causing a trembling； an astonishment； a horror in the heart of darkness where he lay。 He could not know if they wished him to e to them as passionately as he wished to rise。
Perhaps they did not help him because they did not care—because they did not love him。
Then his father returned to him； in John’s changed and low condition； and John thought；but for a moment only； that his father had e to help him。 In the silence； then； that filled thevoid； John looked on his father。 His father’s face was black—like a sad； eternal night； yet in hisfather’s face there burned a fire—a fire eternal in an eternal night。 John trembled where he lay；feeling no warmth from him from this fire； tremble； and could not take his eyes away。 A wind blewover him； saying： ‘Whosoever loveth and maketh a lie。’ Only： ‘Whosoever loveth and maketh alie。’ And he knew that he had been thrust out of the holy； the joyful； the blood…washed munity；that his father had thrust him out。 His father’s will was stronger than John’s own。 His power wasgreater because he belonged to God。 Now； John felt no hatred； nothing； only a bitter； unbelievingdespair： all prophecies were true； salvation was finished； damnation was real！
Then Death is real； John’s soul said； and Death will have his moment。
‘Set thine house in order；’ said his father； ‘for thou shalt die and not live。’
And then the ironic voice spoke again； saying： ‘Get up； John。 Get up； boy。 Don’t let himkeep you here。 You got everything your daddy got。’
John tried to laugh—John thought that he was laughing—but found； instead； that his mouthwas filled with salt； his ears were full of burning water。 Whatever was happening in his distantbody now； he could not change or stop； his cheat heaved； his laugher rose and bubbled at hismouth； like blood。
And his father looked on him。 His father’s eyes looked down on him； and John began toscream。 His father’s eyes stripped him naked； and hated what they saw。 And as he turned；screaming； in the dust again； trying to escape his father’s eyes； those eyes； that face； and all theirfaces； and the far…off yellow light； all departed from his vision as though he had gone blind。 Hewas going down again。 There is； his soul cried out again； no bottom to the darkness！
He did not where he was。 There was silence everywhere—only a perpetual； distant； fainttrembling far beneath him—the roaring perhaps； of the fires of Hell； over which he was suspended；or the echo； persistent； invincible still； of the moving feet of the saints。 He thought of themountain…top； where he longed to be； where the sun would cover him like a cloth of gold； wouldcover his head like a crown of fire； and in his hands he would hold a living rod。 But this was nomountain where John lay； here； no robe； no crown。 And the living rod was uplifted in other hands。
‘I’m going to beat sin out of him。 I’m going to beat it out。’
Yes； he had sinned； and his father was looking for him。 Now； John did not make a sound；and did not move at all； hoping that his father would pass him by。
‘Leave him be。 Leave him alone。 Let him pray to the Lord。’
‘Yes； Mama。 I’m going to try to love the Lord。’
‘He done run off somewhere。 I’m going to find him。 I’m going to beat it out。’
Yes； he had sinned： one morning； alone； in the dirty bathroom； in the square； dirt…graycupboard room that was filled with the stink of his father。 Sometimes； leaning over the cracked； ‘tattle…tale gray’ bath…tub； he scrubbed his father’s back； and looked； as the accursed son of Noahhad looked； on his father’s hideous nakedness。 It was secret； like sin； and slimy； like the serpent；and heavy； like the rod。 Then he hated his father； and longed for the power to cut his father down。
Was this why he lay here； thrust out from all human or heavenly help to…night？ This； andnot the other； his deadly sin； having looked on his father’s nakedness and mocked and cursed himin his heart？ Ah； that son of Noah’s had been cursed； down to the present groaning generation： Aservant of servants shall be unto his brethren。
Then the ironic voice； terrified； it seemed； of no depth； no darkness； demanded of John；scornfully； if he believed that he was cursed。 All niggers had been cursed； the ironic voicereminded him； all niggers had e from this most undutiful of Noah’s sons。 How could John becursed for having seen in a bath…tub what another man—if that other man had ever lived—had seenten thousand years ago； lying in an open tent？ Could a curse e down so many ages？ Did it livein time； or in the moment？ But John found no answer for this voice； for he was in the moment； andout of time。
And his father approached。 ‘I’m going to beat sin out of him。 I’m going to beat it out。’ Allthe darkness rocked and wailed as his father’s feet came closer； feet whose tread resounded likeGod’s tread in the garden of Eden； searching the covered Adam and Eve。 Then his father stood justabove him； looking down。 Then John knew that a curse was renewed from moment to moment；from father to son。 Time was indifferent； like snow and ice； but the heart； crazed wanderer in thedriving waste； carried the curse for ever。
‘John；’ said his father； ‘e with me。’
Then they were in a straight street； a narrow； narr