those idiots would say： “How quickly and joyfully he’s drawn this！” For this
reason alone； I was worried they wouldn’t take my wonderful illustration
seriously。 Therefore； I meticulously rendered the mane； nostrils； teeth； strands
of horsetail and saddle blanket in minute detail so there would be no doubt
that I had indeed labored over the illustration。 From this position； that is； the
rear lateral view； the horse’s testicles should’ve been visible； but I left them
out because they might unduly preoccupy the women。 Proudly； I studied my
horse： rearing； moving like a tempest； strong and powerful！ It was as if a wind
had kicked up and set elliptical brush strokes in motion； like the letters in a
line of script； yet the animal was also poised。 They’d praise the magnificent
miniaturist who drew this illustration as if praising a Bihzad or a Mir
Musavvir； and then； I； too； would be like them。
When I draw a magnificent horse； I bee a great master of old drawing
that horse。
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I AM CALLED “STORK”
After the evening prayers I intended to go to the coffeehouse； but they told me
there was a visitor at the door。 Good tidings； I hoped。 I went to discover a
messenger from the palace。 He described the Sultan’s contest。 Fine； the
world’s most beautiful horse。 You tell me how much you’ll offer for each； and
I’ll quickly draw you five or six of them。
Rather than say any such thing； I maintained my reserve； and simply
invited the boy waiting at the door inside。 I thought for a moment： The
world’s most beautiful horse doesn’t even exist that I might draw it。 I can
draw war steeds； large Mongolian horses； noble Arabians； heroic； writhing
chargers covered in blood； or even luckless packhorses pulling a cartfull of
stone to a building site； but no one would call any of them the world’s most
beautiful horse。 Naturally； by “the world’s most beautiful horse；” I knew that
Our Sultan meant the most splendid of the horses that had been depicted
thousands of times in Persia； in keeping with all of the formulas； models and
poses of yore。 But why？
Of course； there were those who didn’t want me to win the purse of gold。 If
they’d told me to draw your average horse； it’s mon knowledge that
nobody’s picture could pete with mine。 Who was it that had duped Our
Sultan？ Our Sovereign； despite the endless gossip of all of those jealous artists；
knows full well that I am the most talented of His miniaturists。 He admires my
illustrations。
My hand abruptly and angrily sprang to action as if wanting to rise above
all of these vexing considerations； and in one concentrated effort； I drew a true
horse beginning from the tip of its hoof。 You might see one like this on the
street or in battle。 Weary； but controlled…Next； in the same fit of anger； I
dashed off a spahi cavalryman’s horse； and this one was even better。 None of
the miniaturists of the book arts workshop could draw such beautiful animals。
I was about to draw another from memory when the boy from the palace said；
“One is enough。”
He was about to grab the sheet and leave； but I restrained him because I
knew full well； as I know my own name； that these scoundrels would be giving
up a purse of gold coins for these horses。
If I illustrate the way I want to； they won’t give me the gold！ If I can’t win
the gold； my name will be tarnished forever。 I stopped to think。 “Just wait；” I
said to the boy。 I went inside and returned with two incredibly shiny
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counterfeit Veian gold pieces； which I proceeded to give to the boy： He was
afraid； his eyes widened。 “You’re as brave as a lion；” I said。
I removed one of the notebooks of forms that I kept hidden from the eyes
of the world。 This is where I secretly made copies of the most beautiful
illustrations that I’d seen over the years。 Not to mention the copies that the
chief of the dwarfs； Jafer； in the treasury would make of the best trees；
dragons； birds； hunters and warriors from the pages of volumes locked away；
that is； if you gave him ten gold pieces； the rogue。 My notebook is excellent；
not for those who want to see the actual world in which they live through
pictures and decoration； but for those who want to recall the fables of old。
Flipping through the pages while showing the images to the pageboy； I
selected the best of the horses。 I briskly poked holes over the lines of that
picture with a needle。 Next； I placed a clean sheet of paper under the stencil。 I
gradually sprinkled a liberal amount of coal dust on top； then shook it so the
dust would pass through the holes。 I lifted the stencil。 The coal dust； dot by
dot； had transferred the beautiful horse’s entire shape to the sheet below。 It
was a pleasure to behold。
I grabbed my pen。 With an inspiration that suddenly welled up within me； I
elegantly connected the dots with quick and decisive strokes； such that as I was
drawing the horse’s belly； graceful neck； nose and rump； I lovingly felt the
horse within me。 “There it is；” I said。 “The world’s most beautiful horse。 Not
one of those fools could draw this。”
So the boy from the palace would believe this as well； and so he wouldn’t
explain to Our Sultan how I’d been inspired to draw this picture； I gave him
three more counterfeit coins。 I implied that I would give him even more if I
ended up winning the gold。 Furthermore； he also imagined； I believe； that he
might soon be able to catch sight of my wife once again； whom he’d leered at
open…mouthed。 There are many who believe you can tell a good miniaturist by
the horse he draws； however； to be the best miniaturist； it’s not enough to
make the best horse； you must also convince Our Sultan and His circle of
sycophants that you are indeed the best miniaturist。
When I draw a magnificent horse； I am who I am； nothing more。
303
I WILL BE CALLED A MURDERER
Were you able to determine who I am from the way I sketched a horse？
As soon as I heard I was invited to make a horse； I knew this was no
petition： They wanted to catch me through my illustration。 I’m perfectly
aware that the horse sketches I’d drawn on rough paper were found on poor
Elegant Effendi’s body。 But I have no fault or style by which they might
discover me through the horses I’ve made。 Though I was as certain of this as I
could be； I was in a panic while rendering the horse。 Had I done something
incriminating when I made the horse for Enishte？ I had to depict a new horse
this time。 I thought of pletely different things。 I “restrained” myself and
became another。
But who am I？ Am I an artist who would suppress the masterpieces I was
capable of in order to fit the style of the workshop or an artist who would one
day triumphantly depict the horse deep within himself？
Suddenly and with terror； I felt the existence of that triumphant miniaturist
within me。 It was as if I were being watched by another soul； and； in short； I
was ashamed。
I quickly knew that I wouldn’t be able to remain at home； and bolting
outside； I walked briskly down the darkened streets。 As Sheikh Osman Baba
wrote in his Lives of the Saints； in order for a genuine wandering dervish to
escape the devil within； he must roam his entire life without remaining
anywhere too long。 After roaming from city to city for sixty…seven years； he
tired of running and surrendered to the Devil。 This is the age when master
miniaturists attain blindness； or the darkness of Allah； the age when they
involuntarily achieve a style； while freeing themselves of all intimations of
style。
I wandered through the Chicken…Sellers Market in Bayazid； through the
empty square of the slave market； amid the pleasant aromas of soup and
pudding shops； as if searching。 I passed the closed doors of barbershops；
clothes pressers； an old bread baker who was counting his money and looking
at me in surprise； I passed a grocer’s shop smelling of pickles and salted fish；
and since my eyes were taken only by colors； I walked into a herbs and notions
shop where something was being weighed； and in the light of a lamp； stared
passionately； the way one looks at one’s beloved； at the sacks of coffee； ginger；
saffron and cinnamon； the colorful cans of gum mastic； the aniseed whose
scent wafted from the counter； and at mounds of brown and black cumin。
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Sometimes I want to put everything into my mouth； sometimes I want to fill a
page with a picture of all creation。
I walked into the place where I’d filled my stomach twice before in the last
week； which I’d personally named the “soup kitchen of the downtrodden”—
actually； of the “miserable” would’ve been more appropriate。 It was open until
midnight to those who knew about it。 Inside were a few unfortunates dressed
like horse thieves or like men who’d escaped the gallows； a couple of pathetic
characters whose sorrow and hopelessness caused their sights to slip from this
world to distant paradises； as happens with opium addicts； two beggars who
were at pains to follow even basic guild etiquette； and a young gentleman
who’d seated himself in a corner at a distance from this crowd。 I gave the
Aleppan cook a graceful greeting。 Heaping the meat…filled cabbage dolma into
my bowl； I covered it with yogurt and topped it off with handfuls of hot red
pepper flakes before taking a seat beside the young gentleman。
Every night a sorrow overwhelms me； a misery descends upon me。 Oh； my
brothers； my dear brothers； we’re being poisoned； we’re rotting； dying； we’re
exhausting ourselves as we live